Staring Into the Eyes of The Beast
If you’ve been a subscriber to this letter for a bit you may have noticed a shift in the kinds of things I’ve been sending out. What started as an outlet for me to share my thoughts and opinions has morphed into a space in which I highlight people and things I like. At first glance this shift was nothing but a natural progression into something new. We are constantly evolving, so evolution isn’t always grounds for digging deeper. As time continued to pass I realized that my evolution did stem from something worth investigating, a conflicted feeling deep within me. Since then I’ve spent a month or so attempting to form my feelings into thoughts, so I can turn those thoughts into words. All of this was done to no success, until today. In what felt like a lightning-in-a-bottle moment a phrase entered my mind, and as it did it spoke for everything I’ve felt.
“Staring into the eyes of the beast.”
That’s how I feel about a lot of things in this present moment.
On a typical day I wake up early in the morning, drive to work, and after getting the shop set up, I sit and have a quiet cup of coffee. There’s an anxiety I find myself fighting off in the mornings and when it passes I have a few moments of peace. That peace covers me like a blanket until it’s time for me to roll the dice on losing it. In the quiet, I find that I’m not only waking up but also bracing myself to stare into the eyes of the beast.
The beast is metaphorical of course. It’s a representation of all of the things that make up modernity. The Internet, consumerism, corporate America, etc. It’s not always like this but at times I feel an almost palpable change in me when I get on my phone for the first time. Instagram, TikTok, Substack, LinkedIn, etc. All of these places are harboring some of the same messaging.
Our lives are being reduced to content, our content is eclipsed by algorithms, and algorithms are keeping us from connecting with each other.
No one can get a job, everyone is too lazy to work, you should just start your own business, or you should make content about how to make content and get rich.
Everyone should feel empowered to do what they want, but also is everyone qualified enough to claim their craft?
Everything looks the same, everyone has an opinion, everyone's opinions suck, fashion is dead, fashion is back, what the fuck is personal style, and are we actually calling it X now?
I reached a point where I couldn’t participate anymore. It felt dizzying, being another voice in a sea of voices, another opinion in a sea of opinions. After years of spitting into the void, my mouth went dry. I had nothing to say to anyone and for once I felt okay about it. I’ve come to terms with the fact that I’m young and I don’t know much about anything. I don’t mean that in a self degrading way, but in an earnest way. I don’t have all of the answers and I don’t want to pretend to. My mind changes a lot and that’s okay. I’m learning everyday, and I love it. I’m a smart person, I have tangible talents, and I’ve been told I have good insight. I’m confident in who I am, but I’m no longer comfortable with displaying every growing piece of myself and my thoughts on the Internet.
In today’s world, almost everything about us exists in the form of data and content. When everything is said and done, people will be able to look at intimate snapshots of our lives with no context. As the days pass I grow in my disinterest of a diary-like existence online. I don’t want there to be snapshots of a younger me with no context. A lot of my thoughts and ideas aren’t great. A lot of my opinions are pretentious. A lot of my opinions change when I get off my high horse. A lot of days I’m frustrated about a lot of things. All of that is normal. I’m normal, and I don’t want to pretend I’m not. Some people can embrace an all encompassing existence online and to that I say good for you (I mean it). This letter isn’t meant to sway you one way or another, I’m not interested in convincing you I’m right about things. All I can speak for is myself. For me the Internet is a tool and these days I’m doing everything I can to keep it in its shed.
It’s funny, when these feelings first started to sprout inside me I wanted to sit down and get them out right away. I wanted to write a big essay on it immediately and I wanted everyone to know how I felt. In that wanting I lost the ability to really process what was happening. I was rushing the emotion for the sake of content. That’s an issue for me. In taking a step back I realized I’ve been in the cage with the beast fighting a battle that won’t end. No one dies, but in the quarrel I lose track of where it and I begin and end.
All of that being said, there’s a complication that arises. Whether I like it or not, I recognize that I’m a child of the internet. As much as I wish I could deny my need to scroll, consume, and share I know I can’t (not completely at least). I’m old enough to have watched VHS tapes, have spent plenty a nights in Blockbuster, owned a Samsung Rumor, and gone to the movie theatre for an actual midnight release. I’m also young enough to have owned an iPhone before the age of 15. This duality leaves me in a space where I crave a world I never really had the chance to hold close. Sometimes I dream of going back to how things were. I’m not sure if it’s because I miss being a child or because things were actually less complicated for everyone then. Even still I’ve spent the most formative decade of my life with an assortment of iPhones in my hand. It’s a nasty truth, but I can’t imagine going on without one.
So I won’t pretend I’m leaving the internet. I’ll still be here and I’ll still share my opinions with the hopes that you see them as intriguing and not as law. I’ll share small bits of my life when I feel okay about doing so. If anything, I’ll have more fun here than I have ever before. The pressure to be something bigger than myself is off. I feel free to exist as I want to, whether that comes with success or nothing at all.
The Internet is not real, it’s a bridge between different realities. I’m learning how to travel the roads instead of living on them. I will go on staring into the eyes of the beast every day, because I love it. The only difference is the distance between us.
Love this newsletter so very much.