30,000ft Higher Than I Want To Be

My Personal Guide to Airline Travel

If you’re anything like me you hate airports and flying. There’s nothing good about either in my opinion. They’re a means to an end and that’s all they’ll ever be for me. 

Unfortunately I can’t avoid them as I don’t have the free time to drive to every place I visit, so instead I’ve perfected my airport routine to make the experience at the very least bearable. 

I. It all starts with buying the flights. For the most part, I only fly at times that are convenient for me. I know that sounds like a given, but it’s not. My definition of convenience has changed shape and form over the years and I’ve only recently understood what it means for me right now. Right now it means that I need to either end my day where I am and then go to the airport, or start my day early in the morning at the airport. Getting to where I’m going at an hour that fits into my daily rhythm is essential for me. A flight touching down at my destination between 4pm-7pm is a flight I'm skipping out on.

II. With that, I only fly on Southwest. I know a lot of people dislike Southwest for numerous reasons but I’ll be loyal to them until the end. One of the biggest factors in my loyalty is that there are no assigned seats. As long as you’re quick to check in and get Group A, you’re likely to sit in or near the front of the plane. Sitting at the front of the plane is the only option because waiting in line to de-board is my personal version of hell. 

III. A quick thing to note is that I skip out on listening to specific podcasts in preparation for my flights. I download those episodes and all the playlists/albums I’m currently loving before heading to the airport. I know some of you get WIFI on planes which eliminates the need for this step, good for you (seriously). If I could do anything other than close my eyes while flying I would. So for me, the WIFI is useless.

A couple of the podcasts I love right now

IV. When it comes to luggage, I only ever bring a personal item and a carry-on. Checked bags are an extra step that I don’t have time for, even if I have plenty of time. Standing at a carousel praying to the airline gods that my luggage comes out is a lottery ticket I don’t care to purchase. Skipping the checked bag step makes arriving at the airport very simple as the only major order of business is making it through TSA (without being accosted). 

V. TSA is its own beast. Taking off belts, emptying pockets, removing laptops, etc. Thankfully here in Nashville (BNA) we’ve been graced with the machines that allow you to keep your large electronics in your bag. It wouldn't be an exaggeration for me to say that I smile every time I see those machines. It’s the little things you know. Anyways, I tailor my outfits to TSA because I don’t have the energy to be bothered before a flight. Belts don’t get worn, I place all of my pocket items in my carry-on before getting to the airport and, as I said, I don’t have to take out my computer (at least in Nashville). Before the machines, I left the laptop at home, that's how serious I am about not being bothered. 

A quick flash of the ID, wallet back in the bag, shoes and bags in the bin (note: I generally wear a clog type of shoe or a light sneaker for easy removal), a quick little screening, then I’m free. 

And before you say "Sambas are so played out", shut up I don't care actually

VI. The first order of business post TSA survival is usually laying eyes on my gate to make sure it exists. Sometimes I skip that step because I don’t care that day, it always just depends. Next I run my airport errands. Grab a light snack or a quick meal, a water bottle (never Dasani), and a pack of Dramamine (because my motion sickness says I must).

VII. Once I’m at my gate I sit down, plop my earphones in, and the rest is a breeze.

Get in line, scan my ticket, put my carry on above the seat, hope that no one sits in the middle, close my eyes and only open them to order a ginger ale. 

Once we land I sit and wait like normal people do. When it’s my turn to exit I get my shit and leave. 

That’s the routine.

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